Don’t I sound glamorous?
about my new roles
about the new academic year
about my college community and how they will handle recurring “incidents”
about making my family proud
about balancing happiness
about keeping friends and making new ones
about my uncle’s family and if I can continue to be a part in their lives
about friends back home and what will become of us
about my health
about completing all my goals
about doing it all.
I was having a conversation with a friend that my tendency is to react angrily about some event, rush to my computer and write it down in an entry, but I usually never publish it public. If I do publish it, then I usually take it off weeks later after I realize how embarrassing or stupid I was to begin with.
Many entries are mom hating, but after reflecting on all 20 years of my life, I realized I can’t help but be mom hating because of the way I grew up and the way she grew up. We are different, no duh. But that conflict and tension that is created from our misgivings and misunderstandings of each other shouldn’t be channeled into anger and hatred in my part. Quite frankly, I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of being explosive. I just want to be calm and be at peace. Only I put myself into a position of frustration, and yes, even though a person gotta get angry sometime in her life, I should be able to recognize why I am so angry. Me getting fed up with the differences between my mom and myself should not result in anger. Me getting fed up with this fucked up government and the policies that are created because of stupid motherfuckers, that’s something to result in anger, but not at my mom.
So I guess my point is, I’m growing (applause). Yay, go Lucy. In part of my reflections, I’ve come to the following conclusions:
1. I don’t want to be that person who complains about her life, but does nothing about it.
2. I don’t want to be that person who complains about her life to other people, but does nothing about it.
3. I don’t want to be that person who complains about her life to other people, does nothing about it, and doesn’t listen to other people’s complaints.
Bottom line: no more posts because my reflections and thoughts on my private life should be kept private and it is about time I recognize the boundaries that make up the public and private spheres in a person’s life.
But I will post about some things, every once in a while… maybe something I ate or a picture that I came across that I liked.
How I sometimes feel like when I’m with people (people = dog’s butt)
I’ve been spending a lot of time in the library these days and I gotta say, I hate y’all here.
There is always that crowd of girls who always turn their heads as soon as they hear the slightest sound. One step, BAM–you have 4 pairs of eyes staring straight at you. What the heck. You’re here to study, so look at your damn papers and stop caring who the fuck is walking to the restroom.
I must admit, I can be easily distracted. I wear a cap so I block everything else (yes, like what people do to horses -_- but it works), and damn, now I have post-baccs staring at me because the only cap I have says “Duke Med” on it. There is this one particular post-bacc who has the tendency to stare while walking. I ignored it at first, but now I just glare right back at him.
I don’t even know why I’m so annoyed by this.
I read this article written by Grace Lee Boggs (BMC alum and big time activist, feminist, socialist, community leader, all round kick ass person). She and her husband, James Boggs (one of the big names during the civil rights movement), would do a yearly discussion at a UMich. She still does it even though he passed away and her final thoughts really articulate how I feel as a college student today.
“From this year’s discussion my sense is that the students in this
class are feeling the need to become engaged but don’t know where or
how to begin.”
So true. Sometimes while I’m sitting doing “what I’m supposed to do,” I stop and wonder why do I care so much about how to find the surface area of a region below a solid with blah blah blah coordinates? Or do I really care which base is stronger? I have a lot of belief in science and the cures it can unlock in the future, but the source of many, or should I dare say — all — problems in the world all boil down to ourselves. I think that’s why I initially wanted to be a philosophy major because the way people view each other is all relative to their personal experiences and you never really know if you’re experiencing the same thing as another person. For example, color. Is my red the same red as yours? Okay, talking about color isn’t going to rally students to take action against injustices.
Or will it? Nancy told me last night that there are students at Columbia who are on a hunger strike to advocate the end of “Old-Dead-White-Men” education and promote ethnic studies. More importantly, to stop Columbia from expanding out into Harlem.
This is a part of the org’s manifesto:
“We strike because we have inherited a world in which racist, gendered, and sexualized hierarchies dominate the way power flows. We strike because the administration consistently resists implementing structural changes that will allow us to challenge these hierarchies. We strike because the university does not recognize that the lack of space for the critical study of race through Ethnic Studies, the lack of administrative support for minority students and their concerns, the lack of engagement with the community in West Harlem, and the lack of true reform of the Core Curriculum are harmful to the intellectual life of its students. We strike because we want the administration to understand that these needs are as fundamental to students’ intellectual lives as food is to the human body.”
Damn, the last time I was near a uprising of students was AP Bio sophomore year of high school when we all tried to get our teacher fired.
UGH. Okay, time to be frank here. I hate Bryn Mawr a lot of the time because of the people here. The same people do the same things (of course, all people of color), but especially for the Asian and Asian American students, I can count on one hand the people who I can call up and be like, Hey, this is what’s going on and I think something should be done–and they’ll respond back. I’m too tired of trying to get people to focus on their Asian American experiences. I used to get so angry after ASA meetings because again, people would just talk about their time in -ASIA- or talk about Jay Chou/WLH/Bi/etc.
K, I love Korea and they sing pretty darn well, but do you really want to see your face on TV in the form of Tila Tequila or Sandra Oh?
Ahh gosh, hate this. Hate that. Hating a lot of things right now, and I can’t even voice why.
Okay, straight up: Bryn Mawr- You Suck. You lack resources, you lack intellectuals, you lack motivation and passion to make changes.
Or maybe I’m hanging out with the wrong crowd.
Ugh, I need to get out of park.
This is the article written by Grace Lee Boggs, courtesy of Kathy Huynh (who was recently asked if she had international health insurance by the doctor at the health center. Um yeah, the girl’s from OAKLAND).
LIVING FOR CHANGE
A New Kind of Citizen
By Grace Lee Boggs
Michigan Citizen, Dec. 16-22, 2007
A few weeks ago I spoke for the 30+ time to students in Professor
James Chaffers’ class on Urban Design and Social Change in the
University of Michigan Department of Architecture.
Jimmy and I started visiting this class in the early 70s. After he
died, I continued on my own because they give me an annual take on
how some UofM students are grappling with our changing reality.
This year I began the discussion by recalling two presentations by
Jimmy that are especially meaningful in this period as we confront the
interconnected crises of global warming, the imperial presidency, and
our criminal invasion and occupation of Iraq.
In 1991 he startled the students by saying, “I don’t believe nobody
can run this country better than me.” When they responded with
nervous laughter, he continued, “I’m saying that you better think
that way. You need to stop thinking of yourself as a minority because
when you think like a minority you’re thinking like an underling.
Everyone is capable of going beyond where you are.”
In 1976, following the presidential election in which Jimmy Carter
defeated Gerald Ford, Jimmy opened the discussion with a speech which
has been reprinted in the little pamphlet Towards A New Concept Of
Citizenship.
The election campaign, he said, “exposed the limitations of our
present concept of citizenship because neither candidate confronted
the American people with the reality that we have been turned into
masses who believe that consumption and possession are what life is all
about. Because we believe that technology and rapid economic growth
are the solution to every problem, we are intervening with Nature
itself with the result that we live in constant danger of the whole
planet being destroyed.”
It was this faith in technology and in rapid economic development to
solve all problems, he said, which “enabled the people of the United
States to go their own way for so many years pursuing economic
development and material needs even when we knew that this was taking
place at the expense of blacks and other people of color .”
“It was this philosophy which made it possible for us to go into Asia
and into Latin America, supporting dictatorial regimes, regardless of
how these regimes were trampling on the dignity of their peoples, as
long as they gave us ready access to their raw materials and were ready
to join in our cold war with communism.”
“It is this philosophy which enables our oil consortiums to make deals
with so many Arab rulers even though the people in these countries are
like feudal subjects, without any role in making decisions as to what
is going to happen to their national resources.”
Jimmy said all this in 1976, twenty-five years before 911. But he
also pointed out that “we are coming to the end of this joy ride
because the Third World is standing up and because the world’s natural
resources are limited.” (As Malcolm put it, after JFK’s assassination
in 1963, the chickens have come home to roost).
Therefore “We are at a transition point in the whole world and in our
own country…when we have to stop blaming our problems on the
politicians or the system – and begin to do what we find hardest to do
– confront our own individualism and our own going along with the
system. When we are ready to do this, we will be ready to begin the
struggle for the new theory and practice of citizenship which is so
urgently needed In the United States today.”
This nation, he reminded the class, was “founded by a great
revolution which inaugurated an age of revolutions all over the world
because it gave men and women a new concept of themselves as
self-governing human beings, as citizens rather than subjects, not as
masses but as people who could and should think for themselves and
accept responsibility for making social, economic and political
decisions.”
From this year’s discussion my sense is that the students in this
class are feeling the need to become engaged but don’t know where or
how to begin.
Since freshman year of high school, I’ve gotten into the habit of writing endless “things to do” lists as way to see how fucked (or un-fucked) I am for the day.
Here is a “Things to Do Eventually” list to last me for a while:
[ ] Get some badass music
[ ] Put academics at a higher priority (over watching movies and having 2-hr dinners with friends — at least)
[ ] Figure out a way to live in Korea, SF, and Mongolia.
[ ] Go on vacation with mom and sis.
[ ] Visit Boston, D.C., Chicago, and anywhere else I think I might want to live.
[ ] Learn how to draw realistically, none of the cartoon/nondescript face anymore.
Hrm I guess that’s all I can think of now.
I’ve decided to take some time away from my xanga and try something new. I don’t even write in that anymore and I think a new change might encourage me to jot down some thoughts or comments.
Four weeks have passed since day one of sophomore year of college. Things are pretty good and I am realizing now much I adore a lot of people here. I wish I could be a little more responsible and keep up with my studies the way I envisioned during the summer, but alas, I keep getting attracted by invitations to dinners, late night drinks, or meetings of some new club.
No, Lucy, No! I should make a huge sign and put it up in my room to remind me to stop fooling around and get back to work.
In the college publications around campus, there are numerous articles about the “Sophomore Slump” and Dr. Emerson, new Haverford President, writing to make H-town a “smoke-free” campus. First of all, sophomore slump my ass. We’re just becoming lazy bitches and we need something to blame it on. And making Haverford smoke-free? Heck I’m all for that. I kind of want Bryn Mawr to be smoke-free as well, but too many students will yell, scream, and throw dung at the people who are trying to make a small part of the world, just a little healthier.
